Stronger than ED!

28th May 2012

Post with 2 notes

If you ever need someone to talk to. Please don’t hesitate to call/text, send an email, or message me.

(919) 757-5848

alyssadrugan93@aol.com

Reach.Believe.Achieve

13th May 2012

Post

My tummy and my taste buds want to eat some candy right now, but my brain won’t agree.

6th May 2012

Post

i need a few minutes to bitch

I hate that it is summer break because I hate living at home

I also hate summer because it is bathing suit season

I HATE WEARING BATHING SUITS! (unless i could loose some weight first)

I HATE the weight I’ve gained this semester… as if gaining 40lbs. in rehab wasn’t enough!

I hate that 2 of my best and only friends are living in Wilmington this summer

I hate how much easier it is for me to be destructive at home

I hate food and how much I love it now

I hate that I have to go get my blood drawn tomorrow morning….AGAIN because of stupid medications

I hate that my other best friend will be in NYC this week

I hate that a bunch of my clothes are to small on me

I hate that I can’t have a bunny because my mom won’t let it live in the house

I hate that regular starbucks drinks have so many calories and the skinny ones don’t taste as good

I hate that I have 3 days off this week from work in a row and i only have something productive to do one of those days

I hate that my room is a little messy right now and every time I try to clean it, I get anxious

I hate being alone

I hate that I am really hungry right now but I won’t let myself have a snack

I HATE that NOBODY remembered my “1 year out of treatment anniversary” including my parents after I told them it was a big deal to me.

ok…thats all for now…and I still don’t feel any better…maybe If go cry for a half hour or so and then take my medicine and fall asleep things will be okay

6th May 2012

Post with 1 note

a poetry slam I am working on…

a panic arose in my chest one night

awakening me from a medicated slumber

only to realize that I was alone in a room ment for two

Well, perhaps physically existing alone

but I was far from feeling “lonley”

I was accompanied by fear, confliction, and temptation

my thought process had been hindered and influenced my the manic depressive narcissistic crowd residing in my skull,

screaming for complience…but…

what if

what if i took the opportunity…

the opportunity to agree to subliminal possession…

the opportunity to seperate the faulty distraction of cold hard colored plastic from its valuable stainless steel counterpart…

the opportunity to silence my anxiety with the combination of a visual crimson stream flowing down my trembling flesh and a mind shocking burning sensation on whatever part of my body i feel fukin’ deserves it that day….

the opportunity to release mass amounts of adrenaline through my dehydrated veins in order to achieve a state of releif , to then be depressed by a calm wave of numb hopelesssness and prolonged sleep under the blankets of self-loathing where no one can see my vulneribility and tears.

The outcome of this moment seems to already be written out for me and it would be incredibly easy to back down and move forward with the deamons teatering between my ears

but wait…

I still have a choice

tjer os a second, more rational half to my psychotic being

the half that lives in wise mind and

the half that knows what Alyssa truly wants and is able to make sane, effective choices

so i thought

and then i contemplated

i weighed the consequences of impulsivity v. rationality

i took a moment (which felt like an hour) to breathe and determine what I really wanted.